September 4, 2010

Ready for a rant? Good.      People and their group dining habits....

Since the beginning of mankind humans have gathered together to eat food in a communal fashion. You would think after thousands of years certain criteria for joining the group would be "set in stone" as it were to keep peace among the natives. However, time and again I find people doing the same disgusting and irritating things over and over again. When you bust them they look at you blankly like "What'd I do?" or the smile mischievously for they know they've been caught in a faux pas. The worst offenders in my mind are as follows:

1)   Double-dipping - I don't care if you 3 or 93 this is by far the most disgusting of communal eating wrongs. What makes you think I want your saliva in my taco dip? How about I come over and pee in you spaghetti sauce? I feel these two things are equivalent. Even worse is watching a snot nose kid put a soggy sucked-on Ritz back in a couple of times. YUCK! And yes this goes for chefs putting the spoon back in the pot after a taste.

2)   Touching all of the food - I once watched a 6 year old touch ever piece of cake on a buffet line. I think he was counting them?? Yay for math, boo for your frog-catching grimy mitts on the dessert. You know children don't wash their hands (neither do some adults) and they for sure itch their privates, play with their gum and pick their noses. This goes for dipping your bare fingers into bowls of food, cakes, etc. Tongs, people, tongs!!!

3)   Eating the best part of a dish to pass - Please quit eating all the cheese off the bean dip, all the bacon off the baked beans and picking all of the shrimps out of the pasta salad. Yeah, I know, it's your favorite part. But it's everyone else's favorite part too dumbass!!! What entitles you to the cream of everything? The worst case of this is a relative of mine (who shall remain nameless) who will pick off the ENTIRE top of an upside down cake and leave a pockmarked yellow cake in her wake. Really?

4)   Eating over the pan - I went to one of those charity-social downtown type of things where they were serving a buffet of appetizers for the crowd. I'm minding my own beer when my friend A. says "Aw hell naw" and points out a fella eating a chicken wing over the whole chafing dish of wings. She strolls over to tell this guy the wing pan ain't his momma's kitchen sink and to grab a plate like a civilized person. AHAHAH. Get 'em girl. I mean really... these are adults!!

5)   The presumptive addition - Please do not squeeze lemon over the seafood appetizer we are all about to share! I hate lemon on my fried seafood and you ruined it for me! Same goes for salting or saucing. And as someone who strives very hard to make good food, please do not automatically salt my food before you eat. It shows your lack of forethought and an impulsiveness I find to be a character flaw.

6)   Chewing with you mouth open - No one wants to see your cud, moo-cow. Close your trap. (This goes for popping gum too)

7)   Blowing your nose in a restaurant - I'm halfway through a plate of bacon and eggs and you Mr. Booth-Next-Door decide it's a good time to clear your sinuses into a hanky. Take it to the restroom!

8)   The loud extended burp - So many people feel it's OK to burp loud and long at a table full of people. "It's a compliment in Arab nations -hahah" STFU, it's gross. Take it elsewhere or I'll smack that self-satisfied look off your face.

9)   Smoking in a restaurant - OK in a bar I get it... but if I just paid 22 dollars for a planked whitefish the last thing I want is some smoke to go with it. Glad they finally banned it in Michigan.

10)   Talking on the cell phone at dinner - It's rude. It's even ruder at a restaurant. It's a rare treat for me to get to go out to eat and I don't want to listen to you on the phone whether your my dinner companion or someone close by. Oh, it's an important business call? Fine. Take it to the lobby. Now that I think about it, it is just as rude at home where I've spent time and energy to make a nice meal, tell them you're at dinner and to call back, they'll understand.

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